Everything in my life so far had convinced me that I don’t matter.

I don’t matter.

I don’t matter.

I do not matter.

My life doesn’t matter.

Bye

#nomorepersonalposts

Wow

I really haven’t said something that true in a while. I make everything around me, the best it can be. I need to be seen as the best I can be. I don’t need anyone

or anything.

If.

Trying to convince myself,

I am self-reliant.

I made the world around me.

If everything around me is good and perfect,

I am good and perfect.

The things I use to build an image of my life,

if they are perfect,

I am perfect.

If my home is perfect,

I am perfect.

If everything around me is clean and stable,

I am clean and stable.

If I can make everything around me seem independent and perfect,

I am independent and perfect.

I don’t need anyone.

I can wall myself off,

and appear perfect.

Everything is perfect.

I’m fine.

I am fine.

I drink to deal with my anxiety because I can’t stand myself

My OCD is going crazy. I need to bleach everything.

I’m having a terrible night. and day. yesterday a friend kind of invited me to dinner at her grandmas house. but it wasn’t “official” plans. and it caused me too much anxiety to text her and ask. she never texted me and said, yes, be there for dinner. so i stayed home. later she told me, she was expecting me there. Now all day i’ve been filled with anxiety and self hate for not going. and misinterpreting things. 

and yesterday i saw a message from thing guy i slept with. but now he won’t talk to me. i just want attention. i don’t want people to be “implicit” implying things. I need it spelled out.